Autobiographical Comic (dealing with mental illness)

UPDATE 03

Wellllllp. That’s a wrap for now.

This dk30 just happened to coincide with the busiest month I’ve had in the last 2 years. I got 3 large-ish jobs simultaneously and lost 2 other jobs.

Needless to say I’m a bit disappointed I wasn’t able to hit my goals, but I feel like I learned some pretty important things. Kinda learned them…

I’ve decided to let this project sit unfinished for a while. Right now it doesn’t have a very happy ending and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to put something out into the world that isn’t hopeful. I know that I’m mentally ill and I don’t have a very good perspective on my life. Even though I don’t see a lot of hope and joy for myself, I really believe that it’s there for people. I’d never want something I’ve created to make someone feel hopeless.

To anyone reading this, you are loved and valued just as you are ❤ Maybe I’ll catch y’all in the future.

higher res link [here]

UPDATE 02

AAHHHHAHA things have not gone to plan. It’s okay though.

So about two weeks ago I got a new job! The process is really different from what I’m used to though…there is this intermediary editor that handles all the communication between me and the client. This has proven to be a really hard system for me. I have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and I got stuck in a horrendous loop of worrying about what the client ‘really’ meant. I spent about 60 hours working on some sketches which had a budget of 2 hours.

Anyway, I spent the rest of my time playing destiny 2 trying to not think. Reached legend rank again soooooo, getting some work done. :P

ON TO THE PROJECT!!

I’ve actually finished about 80% of the panels. Here’s a sample.

I still have no text though…I really didn’t expect this project to be so hard to write. The issue’s been that I don’t feel it’s actually all that healthy to make one’s life into a narrative. Manipulating the events of my life into a tidy lil’ story just seems to strengthen the dissatisfaction that comes with expectation, be that expectation hopeful or despairing. Things just are what they are, creating a story out of my life seems to work against the pursuit of that contentment which can only be found in realizing I’m alive now, and only now. And in this moment, what really matters?

K, rant over. I really do actually want to finish this project still, haha. Gonna spend two days writing in different possible directions, then I’m going to draw an introduction and conclusion to the comic.

Wish me luck.

UPDATE 01

hi hi, okay so, I’ve run into all the exact issues I predicted I would…still annoying!!!

Here are the problems so far:

1. It’s super hard to keep this project from ballooning! I naturally desire for things to be better than a timeframe allows.
2. Writing a story about mental illness becomes difficult when you’re mentally ill…really didn’t think that one through very well!

At least the style is coming together. To try and combat problem numero uno, I made a custom dumpy wide brush that I can’t draw small details with even if I wanted to! We’ll see of that keeps the project scoped in any better.

I tried writing an outline of the comic as a whole-- it was kind of bad and sad :(

I realized that maybe it’s not good (like, morally) to share this comic if it lacks hope…I believe there is hope for everyone-- just not feeling it myself these days. So, the question is – Do I write something disingenuous but hope filled, or do I write something that just lets the world (and me) see how $#!%%^ I feel right now… I’m worried if I make this comic all roses and unicorns, I’m just reinforcing a pattern of harmful repression.

AAAAANyway things are moving along haha! Hopefully in the next update I have some clarity on the direction of the narrative. For now I’m just going to work on disjointed sections in what some have called ‘a game plan destined for failure’

To anyone reading this, I love you! In a weird way! ♥