Becoming An Emotional Jedi (Updated)

The last few days I have been meditating, thinking, feeling and writing. Below is a letter that attempts to pull together everything I’ve been learning these last two months. I wrote and sent it two days ago. It is by no means perfect and already I am thinking of new things I could have added, but I am proud of myself and the work I have done to become an Emotional Jedi, and, putting aside the imaginary fun of becoming a “Jedi” for a second, just a better, closer-to-whole person. I don’t want to go back to being the way I was and the last couple months of true effort have honored the newfound commitment I feel towards myself and who I really want to be. There’s more work to be done and I will continue doing it offline, but for now this project is completed.

Thank you Day[9] and the staff at Day[9] TV for your hard work on producing crisp, entertaining and positive content and fostering such an amazing community. Sean, I am so grateful to you especially. You have been my screen friend for nearly 10 years now and there have been so many times you’ve been there for me.

Additional credits go to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed without her voice and I learned so much from her example and what her guests taught me. Gabor Mate for being a total badass, the wizened Human Yoda of emotions. Finally, Oren Jay Sofer, a meditation teacher I encountered through Ten Percent Happier. He has helped me so frikkin’ much. Learn from these amazing people and support their stuff!

Note: Italicized phrases are lyrics from The National’s album I Am Easy To Find, one of our favorites that threaded throughout our relationship.

Hi A.,

Wow, I’ve been writing this letter for over a month! The reason is I’ve had a lot to learn and most have not been easy lessons. Despite what I’m learning, I know I’m not gonna get everything right here. So, I’m aiming to be perfectly imperfect as I try my best to speak more honestly than I ever have.

I feel scared writing this letter. I feel scared being vulnerable with you. I don’t want to get hurt more. I feel anxious that I’m not going to say what I mean to say and that it will find an unfavorable interpretation with you. I feel uncertain because I don’t know how to do any of this well. Above all, I feel cracked open like a nut and, surprisingly, I feel grateful for that because I wasn’t seeing myself or you or us clearly for a long time. I’m still in the middle of this phoenix-shift, but the pain I’ve been feeling has been revealing the many ways I damaged our relationship and I want to apologize.

I’m sorry I wasn’t owning my shit. I blamed and resented you instead of looking inward to how I was contributing to our troubles. I tried to problem-solve your difficulties instead of doing my own inner work, instead of just being there with you when you were having a hard time. I see how I dominated and compressed you when I did that. I’m sorry I hindered your autonomy and your sense of self-belonging as a result. You had your soul with you the last time I saw you, when you said “You’re dominating me.” I cried when I listened to the Sue Monk Kidd episode on Unlocking Us because one of the protagonists in her books was searching to belong to herself and I feel ashamed that I made that harder for you instead of helping you be who you feel called to be. I’m sorry I was saying through my actions that you weren’t strong enough. I’m sorry I told you you had no choice.

I’m sorry I stopped listening to understand what you really needed, stopped searching underneath our intense emotions for what really mattered. I wonder what it would have been like if I had tried to learn more about what you needed when we were arguing instead of bunkering down in my defensiveness and defending my actions, if I had asked “What is it you want me to be learning?” instead of looking for ways I was right and you were wrong. At the very least, I imagine I would have crashed through fewer brick walls.

I also want to thank you for teaching me.

Through meditation, I’m learning how to connect with my emotions. Until recently, I could hardly name them, much less read the information they gave to ask for what I needed or set healthy boundaries around who I am. I didn’t even know they could be found in my body. I think of all the times you encouraged me to pay attention to my body; I never really understood what you were truly saying. I wanted to bring balance to the world like the Avatar but I didn’t know how to bring balance to myself. I’m sorry I didn’t balance my relationship with my work and meet my needs better so I could have been more present in my own life and with you. Thank you for teaching me the importance of feeling myself.

Practicing awareness of my emotions has helped me learn that I over-function in response to anxiety, both my own and when I sense it in others. I’m anxious a lot more often than I have realized, which has caused me to ask “What’s going on here?” I started examining my childhood for trauma because one of the last things you said to me was that I needed to think about my own trauma. I remember feeling confused and skeptical because I have often thought I grew up in a healthy home (Liz wonders if I have rewritten my narrative of my childhood in some ways). And in many ways it was good, but I also am seeing how I have been wounded. My family has never known how to be with our feelings. If we didn’t avoid our feelings outright, our collective response has been to work harder if there’s a problem. And if those strategies didn’t work, we would communicate, and that process usually didn’t go well. When I was younger, I remember feeling distressed whenever I would hear the tension between my parents if they miscommunicated. I believe I would often try to “fix” the situation by smoothing it over to assuage my own anxiety. Or I would dissociate and avoid how I felt and I think I still do that; sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time.

Looking back on our relationship, I see how I didn’t manage my own anxiety when I would sense you were grappling with a big emotion. I would either try to work harder or use words to make your feelings–and mine-- go away. I’m sorry I didn’t attend to or manage my anxiety better. I’m sorry I wasn’t mindful of my own feelings or yours enough to just sit with them and feel them with you.

You asked me why I’m trying so hard. The reason is because I don’t want to be the way I have been anymore. Everything I’m learning says “This is the way.” My new orientation is to become an Emotional Jedi, someone who feels, understands and seeks balance in how he relates to his emotions and the world around him, someone who can listen to himself and others for what they need and for what’s really important, and to embrace being imperfect as I do so. Recognizing and apologizing for my errors comes with this new territory and I am trying to embrace that too, even though it scares the shit out of me.

I also want us to be able to communicate because we’re connected by a thread. The path we’re currently on requires a lot of untangling. I want to make sure we both feel respected and in-control of how we untangle. I know I have occasionally grown defensive at times. My reaction has caused me to recognize that I have the need to feel respected and in-control about how we untangle all the ways we are connected. I imagine you also need to feel respected and in-control over this process and I can also imagine how that might be very hard for you to feel that way when you are so far away and all your things are here. I think talking would help us clarify what each other needs. I would like to do better than I have been in this regard.

What I’m not trying to do is aim for a specific outcome. I don’t know where all this will lead. I see how my past efforts to force a specific outcome fucked a lot of things up. I’ve given it up in exchange for accepting whatever happens after I speak as truthfully and precisely as I can manage. So, process over product, input versus output. To be extra honest (I’m really, really scared to say this), I still love you. But I accept that loving you doesn’t necessarily mean the best outcome is for us to be together. I just believe that the best outcome (whatever that is) will emerge through dialogue.

I invite you to share whatever you’d like to share because I read whatever it is you give me but I understand if you feel differently than I do about how to proceed. I had only one thing to do which was find the courage to be vulnerable and say, and I could finally start practicing it through this letter.

If we decide to talk, I will aim for talking slowly and with ample space for processing the emotions that will crop up. I will aim for no outcome, only the process of speaking as truthfully and precisely and in-tune-ly as I can manage. I will aim for listening to understand, not defend or justify or excuse. I don’t want to play the blame game anymore. That sucked a lot and didn’t work or feel good!

Regardless of the outcome, the flowers cover over everything. Thank you for teaching me and loving me.

Love, Sam

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; talked with Clayton; aced a text interaction with her!

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated twice; worked on my letter.

I touched the center of shame inside me again today. I feel ashamed I wasn’t able to hear the pain expressed by the person I love. I was clouded by resentment, anger, and my own pain and I couldn’t get past that. Meditation helps me feel what I carry inside me. During meditation I’m asked to think about a memory where I was experiencing difficult emotions and every day I’ve been doing that I start crying and I’m grateful that I’ve been crying because I think it means I’m actually processing my pain and understanding what it means. I love the question “What’s really going on?” That seems to unlock me even more. When I asked that question of myself today, the word that came up was shame. I made a lot of mistakes. And I’m ashamed that I couldn’t perceive what my partner was trying to tell me. I am trying to figure out how to say sorry for my part in why we fell.

Side Quests Completed:

Worked on my new space, internet connected now; freewrote; went for a walk.

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; re-listened to the anxiety episode from Unlocking Us; attempted mindfulness repeatedly throughout my day. I can tell I’m still a beginner but I’m encouraged that I keep incorporating mindfulness as I proceed.

Side Quests Completed:

Freewrote; went for a walk; moved a buttload more stuff into my new place. Will be making the full transition throughout this whole next week. Lots of feelings are coming up as I move out. It’s fucking hard.

Main Quest Progression:

Finished this episode of Unlocking Us, so so good; meditated; zoomed with my best friends for 3 hrs for good times and received so much love and support from them; talked with Clayton; worked on my letter to A.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a walk

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; listened to part of the latest Brene Brown podcast episode; called a mentor; started writing a letter to A.

Side Quest Completed

Brainstormed a list with my mom of all the things I’ll need in my new place; went for a walk.

Yesterday, May 14th, 2020

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; went to counseling; re-listened to the over-functioning/under-functioning in response to anxiety episode (so good!).

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; revised project to reflect how I’ve been approaching my project. Meditation has become much more important than I initially expected. Peering into myself and noticing the phenomena of emotion in my body and my responses to them has become the primary method of trying to understand how to be what my friend Aaron and I call being an Emotional Jedi.

Side Quests Completed:

Started moving my belongings to my new space. Tough day.

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; checked in with Clayton about our projects, revised them together, will update tomorrow.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated twice; re-listened to the podcast episode about apologies.

Side Quests Completed:

Made an appointment for wifi connection at my new place; set up utilities; got my new keys; walked through the local hardware store to see everything they offer. Having a new place is exciting to me, a place to hibernate, regenerate, start over.

I awoke in the middle of the night from a vivid dream. Fragmented sleep has been the norm since the break-up but it’s been a long time since I’ve had strong dreams. Even when I do, I don’t normally place much stock in them but this one was different. I recorded it as best I could so as not to forget it:

I’m moving through the bustling world, an anonymous city. A girl I’m not sure I know-- I’m not sure I don’t know her either–appears next to me, incredibly well-dressed, cute but practical, slight upturn at the corner of her mouth signaling her penchant for mischief. We have to transit through a ticket gate. I can’t describe what the requirements are to pass but it isn’t money and we seem to know exactly what to do. In fact, I hold the vague yet certain feeling we’ve done this once before. She approaches the man wearing a neon orange vest and says “I am reading a book to you. ‘You’ is the indirect object of the sentence.” She passes through the gate. This event causes a rift in the dream.

I am suddenly a college professor teaching an English class. “Not only will you learn analysis and gain a critical eye, but unlike your standard traditional education, I will also incorporate the emotions into the texts we’re reading. Not purely the emotions of the characters but our emotions as the reader.”

I turn to gesture to the whiteboard where I’ve written

The ABCs of Emotions

Awareness

Balance

Calm and Curiosity

support

The dream-rift closes and I am back with her. It feels like her name starts with an M. Not Melissa or Martha. Something more European like Madeline, perhaps.

When it’s my turn to pass the gate, I produce a multicolored ball in a Ziploc bag and say “This is an object.” He lets me pass.

Out in the street now, M doesn’t slow down. She slips through the crowd like an otter through a kelpy sea and I stumble and bumble along behind her, no, it’s suddenly you. I catch up to you only when you stop to adjust your leggings. In that moment I remembered loving you as I watched you pull on a new pair of yoga leggings, tugging them all the up to your crotch so at no point were they ever not conforming to your body. You marveled at how good they felt. I like watching a girl make herself comfortable.

Only it isn’t you but M. As we hurtle through the city, witty banter I can’t remember flickers back and forth between us. I enjoy the sparring, the game of words, the flow of connection. We leap down stone steps and at the bottom she keeps going down a sheltered alley and I drop something valuable. Stooping to pick up whatever it is, I recoil. Lying on the wet cobblestones are the smashed heads of several large bats, trampled by the unaware foot traffic, their bodies nowhere to be found. Next to them are the still-writhing damaged bodies of giant wasps, some the size of a .50 caliber bullet. Transfixed with horror, I ask aloud “Are these the murder hornets that just showed up in the Pacific Northwest? The ones native to Asia?”

The disembodied voice of a passing businessman answers my undirected query. “Yep, the very same.” Forgetting whatever it is I dropped, I tear myself away and run to catch up to M.

After that, everything feels like San Francisco but looks like London. We come to a terminal of some sort, ugly red carpet all the way down. Refusing the stairs, we simply start sliding down the whole way at incredible speeds judging by the way her hair is whipping behind her. As we are sliding down the endless terminal, we casually pick up our conversation and somehow she is in my arms too, close but not too close and I remark “With you it feels easy. With A. it was always much harder.”

We end up the occupants of some comfortable room, maybe M’s, luxuriating in the closeness of its particular time and space. I don’t remember how it happened but I say “I love it when I hear someone say ‘That kills me’ because it means they’re about to offer up a shred of real honesty. I have been having a hard time being honest with myself. I didn’t even know I was lying to myself but I was. How much of my life have I not been honest with myself? It occurs to me that my emotions and my body will help me sniff out traps if I learn to listen to them, if I practice my ABCs.”

Main Quest Progression:

Called Ella and Linnea; meditated and paused many times today to ask what I was feeling and where in my body I was feeling it. Lots of anxiety.

Side Quests Completed:

Drove to Home Depot and just walked around inside. I’m moving out into my new place very soon and I want it to reflect and support who I am becoming. I didn’t buy anything. It was enough to just drive there, confirm the location and hours of the store, and peruse what the place offers. Small steps seem to be all I can manage these days but in many ways they’re just as important as the big ones.

Today I had the thought “The best things take time to grow.” That feels true somehow.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; meditated; re-listened to Unlocking Us with Harriet Lerner, Part 2; practiced communicating my feelings to a friend with whom I had a vulnerable conversation.

Side Quests Completed

Went for a walk

May 8th, 2020

I mailed a package of her belongings to where she lives now. Her favorite vest, her nose ring, her piece of palo verde that she loves. Collecting all these things that describe her and placing them inside an unremarkable box to send them away felt like saying a dozen tiny goodbyes to our shared life. It took all week to assemble everything and actually mail it. Not because putting things into a box and going to the post office is difficult but because I didn’t want to say goodbye.

Main Quest Progression:

Listened to Unlocking Us with Harriet Lerner, Part 2

May 7th, 2020

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; saw my counselor ; listened and re-listened to an Unlocking Us episode with Harriet Lerner about apologizing.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run; participated in a virtual paint nite

May 6th, 2020

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; called an old friend and talked about how we’re trying to become emotional Jedis; noticed I was feeling tired and took a nap.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; meditated; called my cousin to check in for Week #2 Review, which I’ll write out tomorrow.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run

Got back on the horse today. I’m finding even my down days to be instructional. Yesterday I think I was tired, avoiding my emotions and trying to numb myself out with video games and technology. Practicing awareness of how I numb myself seems like a good first step in understanding what exactly is happening inside me when I start trying to do that.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; finished listening to Tim Ferriss w/ Brene Brown and re-listened to this Unlocking Us episode ; became aware of myself over-functioning from anxiety and managed to come to a mindful stop; meditated.

Thought Stream Excerpt:

"Today, I worked slowly and ponderously in my classroom, trying to pay attention to my breathing and how I was feeling. I could feel my 2nd cup of coffee really acting up in my mind as I was wading through the maelstrom of tasks calling out to me from every corner of the chaos. It was a challenge to limit my attention to one task at a time. Normally I start to switch but I tried to become aware of the pull on my attention and gently refocus on the job I started.

I also noticed how I started to feel increasingly anxious. It was growing the longer I stayed in my classroom working. And I felt the conflict in me between my desire to tidily wrap up the tasks I was in the middle of before leaving and my new practice of ceasing to over-function from a place of anxiety. I started to trick myself by thinking “Okay, I’m over-functioning, so I’m just gonna finish up these last couple things and THEN I’ll go.” Thankfully, I recognized my error. By continuing to work so that I could then stop working is the exact opposite of what I needed to do. So, I simply stopped mid-way through sorting my decodables and student folders and walked away.

When I got home, I still felt anxious. I stopped to sit in my car as I notice I often do if I am stressed or anxious after working. Looking back, I was loath to enter my home, to leave the peace and quiet of my car to re-engage with whoever and whatever more awaiting me once I left this place of transition. I decided to meditate. I tried to do it quickly without help but I am not a strong meditator and found myself not really relaxing, my mind bouncing back and forth between everything I have yet to do and almost forgetting I was supposed to meditate. A few minutes in, I committed to practicing with Oren’s help via the Ten Percent app. It was soooooo helpful. I felt my body relax which surprised me because I didn’t even realize I was tensing the entirety of my face, my neck, my shoulders. Once I became aware of them, it was like I said “At ease” and they just let go. I felt happy I did it. "

**Scrap of Knowledge #3 **

Notes from Unlocking Us, the episode with Dr. Marc Brackett, author of “Permission To Feel”

Important vocabulary:

Meta-emotions: feelings about feelings

Emotional literacy

Emotion regulation

What does an emotionally literate person look like?

They look like:

1. Someone who can be present
2. Someone who can be a great learner
3. Someone who can make sound decisions
4. Someone who can build and maintain the best possible relationships
5. Someone who can take care of themselves in good physical, emotional and mental health
6. Someone who can achieve their dreams

“Emotions are signals to approach or avoid.”

Give yourself permission to feel any feeling, allow yourself to experience all of your emotions

R.U.L.E.R

Recognizing the occurrence of an emotion by noticing a change in voice, body or facial expression

Pausing to be reflective, to take a breath and check in with how you’re feeling Have to want to know more/be curious: Don’t be a judge of feelings,

Barriers: Projecting: Faking/masking feelings Misperceive behavior for feeling

Understanding the underlying themes around feelings

1. Anger: injustice
2. Disappointment : unmet expectations
3. Jealousy: feeling threatened that someone you care about is going to be taken away from you
4. Envy: wanting what someone else wants
5. Fear: impending danger
6. Joy: achieving a goal

If we understand these themes, then we can label and respond better

Labeling

How much or little anger/fear/etc?

Expressing

Giving freedom and permission to express different emotions to yourself and those around you, a safe space, talking about our feelings, being vulnerable

“Unprocessed emotions don’t dissipate, they metastasize.” Brene Brown

Regulating

How we handle our feelings. Reduce, prevent, maintain, enhance emotions through different strategies.

Physiological regulation: sleeping, eating, exercising

Need to want to work on regulating emotions, which doesn’t mean suppressing or numbing or moving on/escaping

Main Quest Progression:

Listened to half a podcast…sigh

Boss Fights:

Struggled to get out of bed. Numbness, listlessness, generally not giving a flying fuck characterized everything today.

May 1st, 2020

Main Quest Progression:

Called my cousin and we reflected on this process of becoming more vulnerable/emotionally in-tune or maybe learning how to belong to oneself.

Side Quests Completed:

Felt free almost all day; went for a long walk with an old friend and drank beer, then went and hung out with more friends at an appropriate social distance; am drunk.

Yesterday, April 30th, 2020:

Main Quest Progression:

Visited my counselor where I finally touched the center of my anger and shame and had a panic attack again as a result but afterwards I felt lighter, free temporarily from guilt and self-judgment.

Side Quests Completed:

Took advantage of my feeling of freedom and enjoyed my life; decided not to write the letter I decided to write yesterday.

Main Quest Progression:

Meditated; called a mentor to process feelings; sought support from friends; decided I will write a letter to her.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run; exercised with weights and threw in a few push-ups and pull-ups

Boss Fights:

Had another panic attack

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; called my cousin for a project check-in/support; meditated today using Ten Percent Happier; listened to the latest episode of Brene Brown’s podcast

From that podcast, it’s possible I discovered one of my needs in a relationship: “I need to be with someone who belongs to themselves.” It’s something like that, although it could also be “I need to be with someone who loves themselves.” And then I ask myself if I belonged to myself during the relationship. I need to think about this more. But at least I’ve got a new scent to follow!

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run; kicked butt in my classroom today; stopped to process my emotions multiple times today when they threatened to overwhelm me and were sending me to a dark place; went solo innertubing down a local river with a beer in hand and it was good, said the lord.

Boss Fight:

Ugh, stayed up late last night playing Mount & Blade: Warband and payed the consequences today… not a strong choice.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote and recognized that I feel ashamed of failing, of feeling anger, of not providing what you needed, ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough to hang onto our dream anymore, even though we were in an unhealthy place for so long and it was the right thing to do, to let you go, for both of us; cried and tried to let go of my self-judgment and shame.

Side Quests Completed

Went for a walk; worked in my classroom today and taught virtual lessons to some of my 1st grade explorers; designed a plan for the new place I’m moving into soon so that it represents and supports who I am.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; listened to another episode from Unlocking Us and it was excellent; drafted a Week #1 Review

Side Quests Completed

Went for a run; experimented for the first time with manscaping, not sure why I wanted to do that but, hey, FOR SCIENCE!; played guitar; watched more GSL; stepped away from my family when I just needed to be alone and fielded a big wave of emotions that flattened me for the afternoon.

DK30 Week #1 Review

✔️= Progress made

✘ = Progress still in progress

Main Quest, pt. 1

✔️ Daily freewrite for at least 10 minutes without filtering or editing.

I have been consistently freewriting since March 27th, when my project truly started. Even if it’s the only thing I do that day, I make sure I slam down words for at least 10 minutes. Nearly every time I’ve written for much longer. I am not tracking how many words I write. I am not worrying about organization, coherence or grammar. Or truth, for that matter. My goal has always been to let the words/feelings flow out of me and trust the process. So far, I feel successful and rewarded in this area.

✔️ Listen to 4 or more podcast episodes.

Podcasts have been a huge learning resource for me. I’ve been leaning heavily on Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast, Russell Brand’s Under The Skin, and any talks with Gabor Mate. My emotional triumvirate, as it were. They have taught me so much and I intend to relisten to many of the same episodes at some point because the concepts they teach still baffle me.

✔️ Call 2 or more friends and process feelings with them.

This week I called 3 friends and they were all supportive and healthy. I learned a lot from each of them. I’ve already scheduled 2 more for this upcoming week. I also have continued to see my counselor and, while I don’t count it as a new effort, it deserves to be recognized here because our conversations have fulfilled the goal for this aspect of my project, which is to seek support from my relationships and process feelings with them.

✔️ Read 2 chapters in a book.

I read Chapter 1 of The Body Keeps The Score and excerpts from When The Body Says No where I gathered Scrap of Knowledge #1. I didn’t read as much as I think would be valuable though. Learning from books is a wholly different animal than digesting podcasts because the text is right there. I can analyze it and distill lessons from it more easily because I’m learning straight from the source. Reading also allows me to type out important passages and collect more Scraps of Knowledge.

Another issue I’ve run into is I haven’t been sure what books I should be reading. I haven’t felt drawn to complete the two texts I read from this week, even though I know they are valuable and worth pursuing. They are just not what I need somehow. I’ve decided to order Permission To Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett and maybe the book TOGETHER by Dr. Vivek Murthy. Of the many talks I enjoyed from Unlocking Us, these two researches stood out to me. I noticed I felt extremely interested in what they had to say. So, maybe if I get the right books, I’ll read more in the upcoming weeks.

✔️ Identify at least 3 characteristics of what I’ll tentatively call my “pattern”/core belief about myself

1. I struggle to identify and ask for what I need
2. I tend to “over-function” when I’m anxious
3. I need to learn how to set better boundaries
4. I struggle with naming and communicating my emotions
5. I try to “fix” or “save” others

I intend to explore and write a more detailed summary about this in the future. These are all interconnected in ways I still don’t understand.

Side Quests:

✘ Meditate on relationships with Ten Percent

✔️ Continue running/walking to help process feelings

✘ Yoga

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote to practice noticing my feelings and naming them. I also just needed to process my feelings from the wave of good memories that washed over me all throughout today. Somehow when it’s over, those stand out more than they did when I was in the thick of it, trying to hack a way to a better place for us to be.

“Life flows in its own inevitable way and at some point you have no choice but to go with its twists and turns. I love A. But that wasn’t enough somehow. We weren’t flowing and I don’t know what would have needed to change to keep us flowing but eventually the current of life spun us in different directions and our powers that tried to stubbornly fight the flow of our individual lives so we could stay together ultimately were no match for everything else prying us apart.”

Side Quests Completed

Spent time with an old friend; celebrated my dad’s birthday with a barbecue at the family cabin; floated solo down the river to be with myself, to care for myself and give my feelings space to be as they needed to be; watered my plants; played Spirit Island; genuinely laughed and enjoyed myself at various points throughout today.

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; listened to more Unlocking Us and this episode was on “Permission To Feel”, a book I think I need to get; my cousin C. and I did a DK30 project check-in and he shared a strategy for treating with your emotions.

Side Quests Completed

Went for a run and realized I feel angry, an emotion I don’t feel comfortable with; I cleaned some of my classroom (I teach 1st grade) since the year is basically over; recognized that I’ve been a fucking idiot to even dream about getting back together.

Scrap of Knowledge #2

1. Become aware of how you’re feeling/notice it and where you feel it in your body 2) Build on that awareness by asking “How do you feel about feeling that emotion?” because there are what you’d call “meta-emotions,” like shame or self-judgment or embarrassment that you can feel about your feelings. 3) [I forgot this one!] and 4] seek support. This advice is from the meditation website/app called Ten Percent Happier.

A way to help identify emotions is to consult a list and see which ones you connect to in that moment:

Yesterday, April 23rd, 2020

Main Quest Progression:

Freewrote; listened to this podcast episode from Unlocking Us and learned I tend to over-function when I am anxious (more on that later); visited my counselor.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a long walk.

I decided I should be having more fun, seeking more enjoyment because throwing everything I have into this project isn’t the healthiest for me. I need to approach this with balance because the previous day’s rest day was the result of me over-zealously pursuing my aim of growth and change. This isn’t going to happen overnight. I need to take my other needs into consideration so I don’t pour everything I have into the project as answer to the anxiety I’m experiencing about my breakup.

REST DAY

Freewrote for the minimal time. Today was hard. I’m calling it a rest day. Sigh.

Main Quest Progression:

Wrote for 1-2 hrs today, feeling all the damn feelings and reflecting on what I learned today; called a trusted mentor and spoke on the phone for 2 hrs, learned a lot; listened to this podcast, another one with Gabor Mate; homing in on at least 3 characteristics of my “pattern,” tentatively 1) need to work on processing emotions, 2) setting healthy boundaries, 3) desire to fix/heal/save

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run when I was brimming with feelings; stopped to center myself today and give myself encouragement and a self-hug; finally managed to put my room in relative order

Boss Fights:

Struggled to get out of bed today

Main Quest Progression:

Called friends and got vulnerable with them; listened to episodes of Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast; am learning that I may have been in a codependent relationship and that part of my “pattern” may be that I’m a “caregiver” or “rescuer” in my relationships; freewrote for at least 10 minutes.

Side Quests Completed:

Went for a run; took 5 minutes to pause and center myself when I was feeling anxious; conducted a Google-tier investigation on attachment theory and codependent relationships; held a positive, loving boundary-setting conversation with my mom today.

Main Quest Progression: Freewrote for 1hr+, cried like a man ; read excerpts from Chapter 14: A Fine Balance: The Biology of Relationships from Gabor Mate’s When The Body Says No and gained Scrap of Knowledge #1; listened to Under The Skin (Episode #78 Byron Katie - Free Your Self From Pain), note: did not manage to free self from pain.

Side Quests Completed: went for a run, sat in the sun, played guitar, watched the GSL, managed not to text her, did not eat my feelings, watched an episode of Big Little Lies with my mom, practiced setting healthy boundaries with a friend who was trying to make me feel not sad and with my mom who was trying to over-help me

Scrap of Knowledge #1

pgs 196-198 Chapter 14: A Fine Balance: The Biology of Relationships from When The Body Says No

Nature’s ultimate goal is to foster the growth of the individual from absolute dependence to independence–or, more exactly, to the interdependence of mature adults living in community. Development is a process of moving from complete external regulation to self-regulation, as far as our genetic programming allows. Well-self-regulated people are the most capable of interacting fruitfully with others in a community and of nurturing children who will also grow into self-regulated adults. Anything that interferes with that natural agenda threatens the organism’s chances for long-term survival. Almost from the beginning of life we see a tension between the complementary needs for security and for autonomy. Development requires a gradual and age-appropriate shift from security needs toward the drive for autonomy, from attachment to individuation. Neither is ever completely lost, and neither is meant to predominate at the expense of the other.

With an increased capacity for self-regulation in adulthood comes also a heightened need for autonomy–for the freedom to make genuine choices. Whatever undermines autonomy will be experienced as a source of stress. Stress is magnified whenever the power to respond effectively to the social or physical environment is lacking or when the tested animal or human being feels helpless, without meaningful choices–in other words, when autonomy is undermined.

Autonomy, however, needs to be exercised in a way that does not disrupt the social relationships on which survival also depends, whether with emotional intimates or with important others…The less the emotional capacity for self-regulation develops during infancy and childhood, the more the adult depends on relationships to maintain homeostasis. The greater the dependence, the greater the threat when those relationships are lost or become insecure. Thus, the vulnerability to subjective and physiological stress will be proportionate to the degree of emotional dependence.

To minimize the stress from threatened relationships, a person may give up some part of his autonomy. However, this is not a formula for health, since the loss of autonomy is itself a cause of stress. The surrender of autonomy raises the stress level, even if on the surface it appears to be necessary for the sake of “security” in a relationship, and even if we subjectively feel relief when we gain “security” in this manner. If I chronically repress my emotional needs in order to make myself “acceptable” to other people, I increase my risks of having to pay the price in the form of illness.

The other way of protecting oneself from the stress of threatened relationships is emotional shutdown. To feel safe, the vulnerable person withdraws from others and closes against intimacy. This coping style may avoid anxiety and block the subjective experience of stress but not the physiology of it. Emotional intimacy is a psychological and biological necessity. Those who build walls against intimacy are not self-regulated, just emotionally frozen. Their stress from having unmet needs will be high.

Social support helps to ameliorate physiological stress. The close links between health and the social environment have been amply demonstrated. In the Alameda County study, those more socially isolated were more susceptible to illness of many types…

For the adult, therefore, biological stress regulation depends on a delicate balance between social and relationship security on the one hand, and genuine autonomy on the other. Whatever upsets that balance, whether or not the individual is consciously aware of it, is a source of stress.