Learning to Have FUN in Games

Project Wrap-Up:

I played StarCraft II again on Sunday, but that was mostly it for the final week. Unfortunately, my sleep schedule got all manner of messed up, so what little willpower I had available to spend went towards trying to fix that instead.

I would say that all things considered, this project was helpful. It was a failure in terms of meeting my daily goals, but it was successful in helping me to approach games with a more consciously excited and optimistic attitude. I’m usually quiet in a detached sort of way, so I’d say this project created a powerful precedent by forcing me to be more present and try to laugh off my failures instead of burrowing deeper into the safety of my inner psyche.

However, the biggest lesson I got from this project was a new insight into my own mental roadblocks. As a kid, many things came naturally/easily to me so I developed the habit of avoiding effort because I never got the chance to get used to it. Now, I realize that the habit I really need to cultivate isn’t having fun in games, but instead how to put effort into tasks and thereby sacrifice some of my personal comfort in order to achieve something. I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and doing something I might not feel like but will reap dividends in the future. Obviously, such a monumental task can not possibly be conquered in only 30 days, so this is going to be a more overarching personal goal for the rest of the year.

I also want to thank Sean once more for his advice. Sometimes you know something but never truly understand it until someone else explains it to you, and hearing him talk about the problem and strategies with which to approach it (strategies I could already articulate, too) helped cement the realization that I needed to do some mental rewiring. The idea for this project coalesced when I was rewatching one of my CS:GO games and noticed that–even sometimes when I would get a kill–my face would contort into an angry grimace during gunfights. (I was also feeling guilty about being too quiet, since I usually play with my best friend and barely speak the entire two/three hours.) However, it wasn’t until Sean’s precise and definitive elucidation that I decided to act.

I may not have found success on this 30-day journey, but I still happened upon a useful alternative.

P.S. The Dark Souls first playthrough stream started today, and as a measure of progress it’s been great. There’s been zero frustration, zero quiet detachment, many failures, many laughs, and I’m having actual FUN with one of the most frustrating and difficult games humans have ever created.

Day 20 (StarCraft II):

Played three games today and I haven’t lost my rank yet! I won one of the games, but I think that was against another newly placed scrub like me. I think my macro is decent enough (not counting all the missed injects), as in I seem to be keeping up with my opponent even in the games I lose, but I either lose a ton to early aggression or a unit comp adjustment (like Lurkers or Ultras into my Hydra/Roach army). I don’t have the wherewithal to make comp corrections mid-game yet, but I’m glad my macro is at least competitive. Next step will probably be ironing out the macro and getting some practice so it becomes as automatic as possible, and then start to focus on mid-game build adjustments.

Days 18 & 19:

Starcraft has been temporarily post-poned; last two days I’ve been playing Risk of Rain 2 with a friend and, honestly, having a blast. It’s so rare that I’m laughing and goofing around and being regularly vocal in games because I’m usually so competitive and dialed in, but this has been a very refreshing experience.

This has been progress only on the positive side of the spectrum though, and I want to get back to Starcraft ASAP, so that will be happening tomorrow for sure. More RoR2 will probably happen too, but I want to make sure I get the Starcraft in so I can also practice sitting with the feeling of losing (especially since I’m going to be playing in Plat and I can barely macro while I play, let alone micro AT ALL!)

Day 17 (Week 3 start):

I’m back from my anxiety coma and hammering away at this project once more. Today was Magic with a janky Lutra/Fires combo deck running a number of ultimatums. Holy fuck is it way too slow for this meta, but it was SO fun to finally get a win with.

Tomorrow is StarCraft II, and I am ready to start the most epic loss streak this game has ever seen!

Day 11 Update:

OH GOD I GOT PLAT 3 WTF I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME

Edit: seriously though, I got trounced by a 2900-something the first game, defended a proxy rax cheese the second game (he quit right after), and out macro’d a protoss in game three (who was also in placements and definitely not plat material)

Day 11

SC2 PLACEMENTS AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Day 5 6 / comfort with loss

Wednesday was a wash, as I was still trying to fix my sleep schedule, but on Thursday I played through a draft in MtG Arena. I don’t normally like playing draft, but I had the free entry so why not. I ended up going 6-3 with an Azorius flyer deck splashing red, but the last loss bit particularly hard. I made an obvious mistake in hindsight and felt terrible as the game slipped further and further out of my hands. I tried to sit with the feeling though and it did not feel well. Hopefully further exposure will help lessen the sting.

Day 2/3 - EU4

A friend and I started a playthrough in Europa Universalis IV, so I made sure I had time to do that with him for a few hours. I’ve never really played the game before, so even though it had nothing to do with loss (except the first playthrough we did in which I played Brandenburg and got quickly and irrevocably boned), it was still a good exercise in playing a system-heavy game with no prior knowledge and having to learn on the fly.

Day 4 - Factorio / comfort with loss

I know I put SC2 on the schedule, but I haven’t played in something like twelve months and never had much playtime anyway, so I tried a Factorio Deathworld instead. It was an interesting challenge, since I usually like to play without biters so I can focus on automation and factory design. It was fun in a way that kind of surprised me, and I ended up dying after about 45 minutes because I didn’t set up enough miners (I was trying to be conservative to avoid excessive pollution - however, this playthrough taught me not to give a fuck about that because you need SO MUCH AMMO).

I was a little hesitant to get into it (probably because of the likeliness of losing) but it showed me that this is a beneficial thing to practice. Once I get some time to practice SC2 a little so I can at least play with actual goals in mind, even if I end up losing, I’ll actually start playing that on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Day 1 - CS:GO / celebrating self

This did not come naturally at all. I went into the game with a pretty positive and upbeat attitude, partially, I think, due to having this goal. Watching back the recording, I notice an immediate change in countenance as I play: far more neutral and no anger during gunfights (just focus). I am also more vocal than usual, which is another important consequence of my ameliorated attutide. Even when I was struggling to hold B-site during one of the games, as helpless as I felt, it was definitely nowhere near my usual level of frustration.

I could definitely use more improvement, since complimenting myself and celebrating success still feels so strange, but it came easier when I went into the game focused on enjoyment as opposed to winning or self-validation. I’m sure the other “coping with loss” days won’t be as enjoyable as this (since that’s pretty much the point), but if I can just make THIS part a habit, I’ll have to consider this project to be a huge success.