100 Words a day for a Month (the rest of my life)

I, in no way, hit my goal of writing everyday for a month. Let alone writing 100 words each day. However, I did absolutely decimate my goal of being over 4000 words in to my current project. I would say around 2 weeks ago, I started writing for an hour a day. 25 minutes of editing, 25 minutes of hardwork on the project, 10 minutes of free writing. It’s a great system that I still am using. But it took a while to get out of the depression funk long enough to actually commit to an hour a day, and I still have my off days where I don’t do the full hour or don’t do it at all. But I am making progress. Is it fuel by a mix of anxiety, self hatered, and depression/coffee? Oh yeah. But it’s my own goal. An hour a day, and I’m making real progress that is concrete and feels like momentum. I have to cut things out of my life, not gaming or making enough videos. Not being good enough in general, (see exericsing enough), but I can do it. and I’m doing it.

Time for the next project.

Today I write because I am sad. I really wish I could say that this is a rare occurrence. That I normally write when I feel good or when I need to cause I’m a writer. But that’s just not in me today. Nothing feels in me. I’ve been watching a lot of mad men recently and there is this scene where a character is giving a hung over piece of shit the tough love pep talk that he needs. Whether it sticks or not, I can’t say. It’s up to the viewer to decide. But I like to think that the main character suits up and does his work. I’m not sure that is what this is.

But what I am sure of is the need for things to change. I look back on what I wrote. On what I’m writing now and I can see a glimmer of talent behind obscured by sadness and self hatred. I had a look at my long term goals, that I set around 4 months ago and to my surprise I’m not too far off of them. I wanted to make 45 videos, I’m at 32. I wanted to loose weight and I did it. I wanted to get to 50 subs on youtube and I did do that. Therorictally, I’ve even hit my dk30 goals despite not writing every day at all. I’m at 2620 words in. But I lost my doulingo streak. I lost some friends in the weeks and months leading up to today. And I’m not going to be able to write for an hour or run for 30 minutes like I planned in my new goals. But I didn’t smoke weed or drink today. Not that I drink all the time, but for the first time in a long time I was bored. Bored and I didn’t vape. I didn’t do anything but talk to my older brother about how I should give up on my dreams and how crazy my family is. Then I talked with my GF for over 2 hours, just trying to get her to ackownledge that she is not doing enough. All of this upsets me cause I’m bored, getting talked at, having to sugar coat things. Running around doing gods no what, while not being productive to my own goals at all. I spent alot of money today. But I think I’m done for the most part. I have to pick up a package tomorrow after work but after that the rest of the world can lick my shitty red asshole. I got nothing to say to no one. I need to keep my head down and do the work. I’ve lost all sense of discipline in the 6 months since I started my goal and need to get back on it. And it starts tomorrow. Today was the trial. Tomorrow is the test that is gonna continue for a month of soberity and then hopefully finally getting a move job so I can move out and cast off the weight of life’s expectations. I still hate myself and just about everyone around me. Right now, I even hate the people I love. But I’m ready to do the work.