Post Project Reflections

I am writing this nearly a week after the Day 30 entry, and have had a lot of time to think about the project, my progress, and what I want to do in the future. More particularly, how to continue to grow in the future.

First, let’s start with the things I wanted to accomplish, but either never got around to, or did not accomplish fully:

• Cleaning up the apartment. There are still a lot of items on my bullet list of house-keeping items that I never got to, or did not fully complete. And you know what? That’s ok, because I did make progress in some things, and I’ve been able to keep certain areas more tidy on a consistent basis. This is one of those things that will always be outstanding.
• Getting on a regular bed/wake schedule. The time change really helped with getting me out of bed before 8am. Now I can get up at 7am without much effort.
• Billing 6 hours every day. A good goal, but some days it’s just not feasible with everything going on. That being said, I should be able to get there, I just need to focus a little more and manage my time a little differently.

Now let’s cover my progress:

• I wrote a post every day and was able to write a list of positives for each day, regardless of how bad I felt throughout the day.
• I got out of my apartment more and forced myself to do things that make me uncomfortable, or that take me out of my safe zone, such as going to dinner by myself, or making myself go play MTG in person, or saying yes to offers from friends (even new friends) to hang out or do something.
• I finally have a financial planner who is going to help me with my debt and get me to a place where I’m not struggling so much. I have no idea why it took me so long to find a person like this, but I really like the person I’m with (he’s younger and I don’t feel quite so embarrassed like I would talking to someone my parents’ age, for example) and I’m hopeful about the future.
• I did manage to knock out some big cleaning projects.
• I’ve been able to process the remaining grief and to become emotionally stronger.
• I have been a better friend, and I have realized how truly important my friends are.
• I am more engaged in work again and am finding more joy in what I do. Don’t get me wrong, I love my career path, but for a while there it was drudgery just to get through.
• I am learning to be kinder to myself, to cut myself some slack, and to give myself a break every once in a while. Life is life, there’s no straight line, there are always surprises and things that can throw you off. But I’ve been learning how to roll with it more and go with what the universe gives me, and I am being rewarded for that.
• I finally feel genuinely happy and content by myself.

The biggest takeaway for me from this project is that I have gotten to a place where I am open to how the winds of life blow, and I am open to new challenges or adventures. I know I sound like a broken record on this, but it’s important: each time I’ve taken a chance on a new experience, I’ve been rewarded in some way. Either by meeting new people, or being invited to another new experience, or being able to connect different friends in a shared interest. It has been fun and exciting, and I look forward to seeing what the future brings.

I also cannot understate how important and amazing my friends are to me. My good, close, real friends have all stepped up in their own way to support me, and I want to be a good and supportive friend in return. We all struggle in life, and I am so thankful for my group of friends for helping me through my struggles.

I am very thankful that I’m not scared of the future anymore. The thought of dating or of trying to meet someone new is terrifying, but I don’t need to rush that. I also don’t feel like I’m a completely lost cause. And you know what? I don’t need someone anymore. Yes, I like being a partner to someone and being in a healthy relationship, but my friends are my partners now, for lack of a better word, and they are worth so much to me. In short, I’m going to be ok, and I see that now.

Goals/projects for the future:

• Keep a personal journal again. Even if I don’t write paragraphs every day, I plan on at least writing down a list of positives, and then a list of to-do items for the following day or days. I did this last night, and being able to cross something off of a list sure does feel good. This project has been a de facto, public journal in a way, and it has been very cathartic and beneficial, so I want to keep that going.
• Be more present to my friends. Reach out to them more, offer to meet them for coffee or a drink, etc.
• Keep making lists of projects and goals.
• Keep working on the apartment, particularly focusing on getting rid of things I no longer need (especially clothes).
• Focus on the things I love, like running and MTG. Put all my energy (other than work energy) into these things, and watch how I flourish.

This past weekend was very up and down. Friday was very down, Saturday was very up, and Sunday was about even keel. That again, though, is life, and I had friends help me through the downs, just as I helped my friends through their downs.

One final accomplishment before I sign off on this project: I ran a half marathon on Saturday on a bit of a whim. One of my friends was running the full marathon and wanted to break 3 hours (which is a 6:50 min/mile pace). He’s done it before, but he’s been having his own tough time with life recently, and he made this a goal to help get over what he’s been going through. I went to the race to support him. Originally, I was going to start out at his pace to try and be his rabbit for the first half, but he ended up meeting a group of other fast guys, and they all ran together. Which was great for me, because I got to settle down a bit and run my own race. I also wanted to see what my fitness level was like, particularly as I didn’t plan my week around the race (e.g., I had my regular runs throughout the week rather than scaling them back to prep for the race). I ended up finishing in 1 hour and 31 minutes, which is just under a 7 min/mile pace, and placed second female overall. I definitely had to push at the end of the race when I was getting tired, but for the most part I was able to settle into a comfortable pace and just cruise. And THAT right there is a mark that I’m getting better and back into shape. I’m super excited for the 2023 season and all the racing to come. It’s been a tough year for running, and I feel like I’m starting to break out of my slump.

Thank you to everyone who was supportive and read my ramblings, especially my accountabilibuddy. Good luck to everyone with all of your own goals and dreams, and remember that you are doing great things every day, even if you don’t feel like it.

Finish line pic from this weekend’s race (oh, it was 20 degrees, uff!)

DaY 30 - is it really the end?

I can’t believe that today is Day 30 of the DK30. I feel like I just started this project and just started sharing my thoughts, feelings, goods, and bads with all of you. I’m going to take some time to reflect on everything and will post a post-project summary/reflection sometime over the weekend. But for now, let’s focus on today.

Last night was second night in a row of shit sleep. Good new: I was in bed and ASLEEP by 10pm. Bad news: I was wide awake at 1:30am and didn’t fall back asleep until close to 4. I had plans to get up early (5am) and run with a friend, but I bailed and let myself sleep until 8am. This is actually progress, as old me would have slept until 9am.

Even though today started a little rough, there were a lot of positives:

• Billed close to 6 hours for the day (I could have pushed for more, but I have to get ready to head out of town)
• Got one estate planning project FINISHED (it had been lingering) and made substantial progress on my main project/big time response
• Had a solid run after work
• Did not break my dog’s toe (I accidentally stepped on him when we were out for walkies, just barely touched his foot, and the next thing I know he’s limping something fierce, and I felt like the worst person on earth. News flash, he’s not limping and is fine!)
• Played some Sealed on Arena as a break between projects (I suck at Sealed, but I love it)

That list of positives might be short, but the work projects are pretty huge. I’m still stressed out, but that comes with having a deadline and caring about my clients and work product. I’m also glad I set myself an arbitrary deadline to get a draft out the door a good 2 weeks before the final brief is actually due, because it is NOT close to finished, but I’ve made good progress on my arguments, and I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Tomorrow around 3 I am getting in a car with a friend and driving to the northern part of a state for a race. I’m just running the half marathon, but my friend (who has been going through some tough shit) is running the full, and he’s going to try and break 3 hours. I think he can do it, I really do, and because of how the race is structured, I get to be his rabbit/pacer for the entire first half of his race. Then I get to watch him finish and scream my head off to cheer him on at the end. He needs this, he really does, and I will absolutely lose my shit if he has a good race, but in a good way. I’m glad I can be there for him, and I hope he crushes it. Seeing him happy for the first time in a while will make me very happy.

Speaking of friends, one thing I will say now (preview for the review) is that my friends are amazing, and I have been lucky enough to meet new friends in the past month. “Lucky” may not be the right word, but I have met new friends recently by getting myself out of my comfort zone, getting myself out of the apartment, and throwing myself into things I love. I have repeatedly been rewarded for taking a change with meeting new people, and these new people have lead me to other fun things. When I sit back and think about it, I’ve really grown a lot over the past 30 days, and it’s because of my friends, and living and flowing with the energy that has been sent my way, and taking chances even though it’s scary. I’ve always been such a perfectionist, which has kept me from doing new things in the past (why do something if you won’t be good at it?), but by shedding this type of mindset and learning to go with the flow a little more, I’ve experience genuine joy. I am so thankful for this, and I am excited about the future, rather than bogging down in missing the past.

Day 29 - stress

This time of year is always hard for me. The early darkness gets to me, work gets a bit insane , and the holidays stress me out (which has more to do with the holidays taking away good working hours more than anything, says the workaholic).

Today, all of those stress factors hit me at once. I’m SUPER stressed at work because (1) I’m behind due to grappling with the breakup and (2) it’s end of year crunch time and (3) one of the projects I’m working on has the chance to make new law in the state, which is A LOT to shoulder. It feels like everything keeps piling up without much getting taken off the pile. I couldn’t sleep the night before, didn’t get up and run, and didn’t even run after work because I just frankly didn’t care. I don’t know if seeing pictures of my ex the day before messed up my mental state or not, I don’t think so, but I guess we never really know what’s going on in our subconscious. By the end of the day, I had worked myself into a pretty stressed out state, and was crying when I walked in to have dinner with a friend. I started to think about all of the things I missed from being in a relationship. I miss having a person, I miss knowing that someone is thinking about me, I miss being held, I miss having someone to talk to at all times. I’m just sort of lonely, I guess. But, at the end of the relationship, I was lonely then, too, because we were long distance, but then again, at least I knew I had someone. Anyway, it was one of those days that kept grinding me down until I was laid pretty low.

It’s hard to find the positives in a day like this. That being said, there were a few:

• One of my really good friends and colleagues decorated a clipboard for me with stickers and left it in my office as a surprise. It was so touching, and so funny, and just what I needed. I’ve posted pics at the end of this post. “James” is an inside joke, someone referred to me as James in an email one time (that is not my name).
• I had dinner with one of my good friends. I was super emotional when I first walked in because of feeling lonely and all of the things I miss, and definitely cried a little bit toward the beginning of dinner. But throughout our time together, we laughed so much that it really turned me around. It reminded me that friends, good friends, are so very precious, and that the people who really love and care about you will be there for you no matter what. I also got to see my friend, who is going through some shit of his own, get some really good news on his phone, and seeing his face light up and his reaction to this news really lifted my heart.

Tomorrow, my work day is completely wide open and without calls or meetings, which means I can hunker down and focus on getting some projects wrapped up. Friday will be a busy one, but I’m looking forward to it because I will be traveling with a friend for a race on Saturday. It will be nice to get away for a bit, if only for a race (and let’s not talk about how it’s only going to be 20 degrees at the start).

Day 28 - Distractions

Overall, this was a productive day, but I let a couple of things creep in and distract me from having a phenomenal day.

Positives:

• Got up early for a good tempo run with a friend
• Started working before 8
• Billed over 6 hours
• Went to play Pioneer at my LGS - we didn’t have enough people to fire an official play, but the 4 of us who did show up played against each other. I’m still using the same mono red burn deck I started playing with, which is a little boring, but in all the matches I lost we went to the third game, and I did win one out of three (tbh for me that’s great, these guys I play against are really good)
• Played some BRO on Arena - I played a couple of Sealed pods and really enjoyed it, but I’m starting to notice my mistakes in play. I don’t know if it’s because I’m better, and thus able to recognize my mistakes, or if I’m just playing poorly and making more mistakes. In any event, I’m motivated to get better and learn.

Looking back on the day, I feel really good about everything, but there are a few places where I let myself sabotage my productivity:

• I got onto Arena around lunchtime to check out the new set, and that derailed my focus for the rest of the day.
• I saw pictures of my ex, N, on Facebook at a wedding I was supposed to go to with him, but he dumped me the week prior. Seeing him gave me a bit of a jolt, but, I knew it would happen at some point, maybe. Good news: he didn’t appear to be with anyone, and he was only in the pictures he was “told” to be into by the photographer (no candid shots). At least I can say I don’t have the same feelings for him that I did in early September, right after it happened. I’m more detached, in a way. That doesn’t mean I feel nothing, though, but at least I don’t hurt like I did.

Seeing those pictures tempered my day a little bit. I don’t exactly miss him, but I miss the way he made me happy, and I miss being able to talk to him. But I think I have some more perspective. It’s more like, when I saw those pictures, I was able to say, “Well, there he is,” rather than something along the lines of “OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH WHYYYYY” kind of thing. It’s hard to articulate exactly how I felt, other than I felt mixed emotions. I think also I’m able to see him as just another person, not as someone I’ve elevated on this pedestal and made perfect. Part of that comes from time, and part of it comes from focusing on my own life and what makes me happy, rather than having him linger in the background all the time.

I’ve also been trying to think of the breakup and everything more objectively. I have a very good friend whose wife left him about a month after N broke up with me, and we have been able to help each other through our shared grief. I look at my friend and his soon to be ex wife, and I think, genuinely, how much better off he is. It’s hard to see him hurt because I know that this really is the best for him, he wasn’t in a good place. I try to apply that same outside perspective to my own experience, and to tell myself in times like today that really it is for the best. I feel like I’m stumbling over my words, here, but what I think I’m trying to say is that I’m trying to make myself really believe the own advice I am giving my friend. I can say for a fact, however, that I am a lot better, I have made a lot of progress, and I will continue to make a lot of progress so long as I keep moving forward and focusing on myself.

Day 27

Today was super productive! I was fully engaged in work and my mindset was the best it’s been on a Monday in MONTHS. Even after another rough night of sleep.

Scene: you’re falling asleep, and your smoke alarm downstairs goes off. You’ve taken some sleep aids, so you’re groggy, and you shamble downstairs only for the alarm to stop. You look around, no smoke. So you go back upstairs and get back in bed. An hour or so later, the smoke alarm goes off again. Same thing, though, no smoke …

I’ll spoil the rest of this story to say my smoke alarm was malfunctioning, so I had to call maintenance. They ended up being able to walk me through what to do over the phone, but it really delayed my eventual falling asleep, which after a nigh of 3 ish hours, I was desperate for.

Once I did fall asleep, though, I slept like a ROCK that hadn’t slept in two days. It felt great. I let myself sleep in a bit. But you know what? I needed it.

Now for the positives!

• Despite sleeping in and starting work late, I billed over 6 hours
• I felt amazing when I started the day
• I finally started a work journal again, and it already has made me feel so much better. I keep a running, consolidated to-do list, as well as notes on certain projects, deadlines, and action items. Having everything in one spot rather than scattered across various post-its and notepads makes a huge difference in my mental state and allows me to focus more. I used to do this sort of thing for YEARS but fell out of the practice, and it feels so good to get back into the habit.
• Had a good run AND got my workout in

Tomorrow morning, I’m meeting a friend to get in a run workout, then I have all day to focus on open projects. Zero calls, zero meetings. Tomorrow evening, I’m going to head to my LGS to play some Pioneer. I ordered a few more cards to update the one deck I had, but they won’t get here in time, sad, so I’ll just bring what I’ve been playing. The point here, though, is getting myself out the door and meeting new people.

I’ve been feeling really great recently. More comfortable in my own skin, more able to go with the flow, and more relaxed about the future. More authentically me, more genuine. It feels amazing, and I am so thankful that I’m feeling this way again.

Day 26 - sunday funday

You know what didn’t happen last night? Sleep. As will occasionally happen after an evening prerelease, my brain just wouldn’t shut off. And then I would freak out about how I couldn’t sleep, which kept me up even longer, which lead me to freak out more … you know how it goes. Let’s just say I can count the number of hours of sleep I got on one hand and still have fingers left over.

Given my lack of sleep, I cut myself a break today. Even so, I managed to get a few things done:

• Washed my running clothes and hung them to dry
• Loaded the dishwasher and ran a load of dishes
• Straightened up a bit in the bedroom
• Sorted my new BRO cards
• Went to brunch with a friend

I also discovered the addiction that is Vampire Survivors. I know I’m late to the party here, but I had NO IDEA just how hooked I would get on that game. I took some pretty strong willpower to finally get myself off of the computer. I’m already looking forward to playing it again. I’m not sure what makes it just so good, but damn, it’s good!

It is also hard to believe that we are in the last few days of this project. I see a lot on my list of apartment cleaning that still needs to be done, and likely won’t be done by day 30, but that’s ok. I’ll save my project-wide reflection for the last few days, but I can say that I feel more confident about myself, and more confident about the future than I have in a long time.

DaY 25

Today was a full, multi-interest day. No cleaning or work, but lots of other good stuff:

• Woke up early and had a strong tempo run with my friend
• Went to a house warming party for some friends and had some yummy brunch food (and mimosas)
• Had a nice hap
• Went to the BRO prerelease at my LGS

I almost didn’t go to the prerelease after getting up early to run and then napping, I knew my brain was mushy and I kinda wanted to just stay at the apartment, but I ended up getting out anyway. I could barely put a deck together and lost all my matches, but I got to talk to some folks who I’ve met before, and at least I got myself out the door. I’m very tired but also very fulfilled.

DAy 24

Welp, didn’t get up early and hit the gym. I had one of those nights where I woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall back asleep. That being said, today was a productive day:

• Felt fully engaged with work and billed close to 6 hours
• Met a client’s new puppy
• Attended an event in town with some coworkers and had a good time, also ran into some of my friends there

I’ve been slipping a bit on organizing my space and cleaning up the office, but I have been able to maintain the areas that have already been cleaned, so that’s a bonus at least.

Day 23 - Return to Productivity

Today was a solid, productive day, particularly after yesterday. There wasn’t anything extraordinary, I just finally felt dialed in.

• Took my car to get serviced (finally), and it drives soooo nice right now (plus it’s clean and shiny)
• Hit up the office and got some things out the door
• Billed over 6 hours
• Was up by 7am (again, thank you time change)
• Got to watch Day[9] and Deathsie do a little BRO prerelease
• Had a solid tempo run and got to hang out with friends after

Being able to really dive into work without a ton of distractions felt really great. I’m also realizing that I might need to start going back to the office regularly. I can work from home, but my work space doesn’t motivate me to get things done. It’s easy and it’s comfortable, but I’m starting to think I need to move out of this zone if I want to be productive. I can always come back to working from home if needed. But yeah, the office felt good, and it felt right, and if that’s what I need to break out of my funk, then to the office I will go. If I can manage to get up and run in the mornings, it will be even easier for me to get my butt out the door and to the office.

Tomorrow is fairly busy. I need to get a workout in, so I plan to get up early and walk to the gym. Then I have a few phone calls followed by a client meeting after lunch. Tomorrow night I’m going to an event for work, which I am looking forward to. It’s not a super formal deal, it’s called “Suits and Sneakers,” so I can get away with being a little casual. Plus, I’ll be able to meet a client I’ve only spoken to over email.

It feels good going into the weekend on an upswing, and I think I’ve had just the jumpstart that I needed.

Day 22 - the creeping struggle

Today started out great. I was actually feeling legitimately happy. And then by the end of the day, it all came crashing down.

Positives:

• Met with a financial advisor today. I should have done this YEARS ago, but I finally got over my embarrassment about my own financial situation and took a step to make it better. I’m so glad that I did.
• Met with a new client today.
• Up by 7:15 (thank you time change!)
• Made banana muffins
• Got my run in, even though I was tired

Coming up with positives today was hard. Today was one of those days where a ton of little things weighed down on me to the point where everything was just too much. My run was tough. I’m not billing the hours I need to bill. The time change and the early dark is messing with me. I feel lethargic and unmotivated.

My new client is an elderly woman living in assisted living. She contacted me about drawing up her will. Her husband has been deceased for years, she has no children, and her family lives states away. I had a moment of sitting there listening to her, and all I could think about was, will this be me some day. Will I be alone, in assisted living, with no family, just waiting to die? I tried to push the thought down, but I think it lingered under everything I did today. And it makes me friggin sad. I tried to keep reminding myself of the positives, and how I took a HUGE step by going to a financial planner today, and how I’m proud of myself for taking that step. But I’ve been feeling empty. Like a spark is gone. And the more the days tick by in November, the more I worry about my hours at work, and when am I ever going to be re-energized. How can I go from feeling immensely happy to this?

Day 21 - Impromptu Costume

After my stressful Monday, today was very productive, both personally and with work.

Accomplishments:

• Was in bed by 10ish the night before
• Got up early and ran with a friend
• Did NOT get back in bed after my run, but went straight to work
• Participated in an interview with a team of attorneys from the firm for a prospective new client
• Hung out with some friends at Lost 40 for a Game of Thrones themed event (with costume!)
• Met some new friends
• Had lots of fun

All in all, this was a very full day. A couple of meetings prevented me from billing 6 hours, but these meetings were productive in other ways and can lead to more business for the firm. I am always honored to be chosen to be part of a team that represents the firm.

Again, I felt phenomenal in getting my run out of the way. It also opened up the evening, so that when a friend asked if I wanted to come along with some of his friends to a GOT themed event at my favorite brewery, I was able to say yes without compromising my schedule.

I didn’t have a GOT costume, but I had the pieces of my druid costume, so I just threw those on and went. When I arrived, there was only one other person in costume, so I immediately gravitated toward her. We ended up striking up a conversation and found out we have a lot in common, and we now have plans to meet up in the future. Look at me making new friends!

Today was another example of being rewarded by opening myself up to possibilities. It is scary sometimes to show up to an event with a number of people you don’t know, or to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but in both instances, I was able to overcome any insecurity and was rewarded with a new, fun experience. I opened myself up to the energy around me and let myself flow with it. Maybe that sounds a little hokey, but I truly feel that there is something to this. One thing leads to another, and you don’t know where life will take you, but that’s part of the fun of it. I am starting to discover the excitement in the unknown, and that life is still full of multiple possibilities for growth. I am very thankful that I have such good friends who have helped me along this path, and I am proud of myself for choosing to take a chance and walk into the unknown. In turn, this helps put past loss into perspective. And to be honest, the breakup doesn’t feel like loss anymore, but rather a springboard from which I have launched my new self and my new life. I want to relish in what I’ve been able to do on my own and how I have been able to express my true personality in the wake of some pretty deep sorrow. I can say that I am truly happy, and part of that happiness comes from exploring my true self.

Pics from the event:

Day 20

Today was stressful and exhausting, more so than I anticipated. That is all I will and can say. Other than, I’m proud of how I handled myself.

I wasn’t able to bill much time today, but that’s ok. I also didn’t run or get my workout in because I was emotionally spent. Instead, I focused on cleaning up the apartment. I didn’t cross off a number of the things mentioned above, but I did do the following:

• Cleaned the downstairs bathroom
• Cleaned the upstairs shower (not a deep clean, but it’s a start) and the upstairs sink
• Vacuumed everywhere
• Organized the table in front of the TV downstairs
• Tidied up the office a bit more
• Went to the grocery store
• Got a couple of things out the door at work
• Approved most of my bills for work

My biggest personal accomplishment was allowing myself to have time to process the stress I went through earlier today. I could have tried to throw myself into work and bury my emotions, but instead I let myself process them and reflect on things. Tomorrow, I am getting up early to meet some friends for a run, and then I will treat the day as a new, fresh start, and leave the stress behind.

I am a strong individual, a strong and professional woman who has persevered through very difficult situations, and I will continue to do so.

Day 19

Today turned into a pretty chill day, which, tbh, after Friday and Saturday was pretty needed. I had to reschedule a couple of things that were planned for today, but it ended up working out for the best in the end.

Positives:

• Worked on cleaning up the office/game room. I framed a couple of prints and hung them on the wall, I sorted and stored some Magic cards (not all, but it’s progress), and I rearranged some of my MTG collection to make room for other things (and by other things, I mean more Magic cards).
• Straightened up the kitchen, did some laundry, cleaned the dishes, took out the trash and threw out a number of cardboard boxes hanging around.
• Put away lots of clothes that had been accumulating in piles in the bedroom.
• Had a really good dinner with one of my friends.

I also threw away something that was very personal and that reminded me of my ex. This isn’t the first thing I’ve thrown away that was related to my ex, but this was one of those things that I thought I could never part with. I don’t want to describe it in detail because I don’t want to memorialize it, I’d rather remember the act of moving past it, but it was something that at one point meant a whole lot, and that I kept in the office to remind me of him constantly. Even after the breakup, I had it around, but hidden. I couldn’t bear the though of getting rid of it, so I put it behind some other things. I guess part of me thought that he might come back, and that if I threw it away I would regret it. Plus, I still wanted to hold on to a piece of him. Until today, that is, when I picked it up from its hiding spot and I tore it into a number of pieces. It’s hard to describe how that felt, because it didn’t feel much like anything. I didn’t feel grief or loss. I can’t even say that it felt good or that it gave me a release. And I think that’s because I’m finally becoming emotionally detached from him and from us. But in a positive, I’m-moving-on kind of way, rather than out of a sense of bitterness or anger. Sort of like the feeling you get when you see a picture of an ex from long ago, and it doesn’t make you feel a certain way anymore. Do I still love him? Probably. But being able to remove that object from my personal space was a big step. And I’m proud of myself for getting to this point.

This week is a pretty crowded week. Tomorrow, Monday, I have a very, very stressful meeting. I’m conflicted on how to handle myself in the morning before the meeting. Do I get up and run? Do I let myself sleep a bit? I’m waffling, but I’m leaning towards sleeping. Sometimes when I know I have to get up early in the morning, the thought/stress of not sleeping keeps me from falling asleep, which stresses me out more, which keeps me from sleeping … on and on and on. I want to shower, get in bed, read a book, and then get a good 8 is hours in, hit the ground running at the office, and tackle my meeting. I’ve got the afternoon to run and decompress.

I feel like I am starting to get to the point of overbooking my weeks. I want to be there for clients, but there reaches a point where there are too many meetings, and not enough time for the actual working. So, this week is probably going to be a bit stressful, and I may get bogged down in just trying to grind through the work days without stopping to take care of me or take time to remind myself of what makes me happy. So I’m going to be kind to myself on the expectations this week. I will, however, try to get in bed by a reasonable hour, and I will try to read each night before bed, because that usually helps me fall asleep.

Day 18 - Ren Faire!

Y’all. My heart is so full.

First, after posting about my swinging emotions from last night, I went on my long run (which I got to start nice and early), and had a lot of time to further process things. Once I got back, I had turned my attitude around and felt much more appreciative for my opportunity, and also just better about myself in general. I am also proud of myself for doing something like that, which is WAY out of my comfort zone. The run was also a super solid effort on a gorgeous, crisp November morning, so I am thankful I had that experience.

Second, and more importantly, I went to my first Renaissance Faire today, and it was a friggin blast. Like, the most fun I’ve had in a looooooong time. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had no idea I would have so much fun. I met up with some clients/friends I had run into at the Festival of Darkness, who mentioned the Faire and suggested I come along, and I am so glad that I did. Last night’s event wasn’t really my scene, but this Faire, and these people, this was my scene and these were my people. I didn’t expect to stick around all day, but we all did until the Faire closed down, and my heart is so full. So full of happiness and just pure joy. I don’t think I have adequate words to describe just how happy I am, and it feels amazing.

Again, today’s experience came from me riding what the universe sent to me. I met these clients randomly at the FOD, and I went along with their suggestion to come to the Faire. I tried dressing up as a vampire, although my teeth didn’t really stick, and I think if you put the right hat on me, I could have passed for a pirate. Anyway, the point is that I made myself available to an opportunity, I took advantage of that opportunity, and I was rewarded with a heart full of happiness. I was also rewarded with some very kind, very genuine new friends, who welcomed me and accepted me openly and without question. I could go on and on about how amazing these people made me feel, and how incredibly thankful I am for their kindness. This is what life is about. If I could give everyone a hug right now, I totally would.

Find your passion and follow it. Whatever makes you happy, lean into it. This goes back to how I felt when my friend Dan died. Life is too short to live for others. I still have times like last night where I question myself, but by being rewarded for doing what I like/love/what makes me happy, I see that really the purpose in life is to find a passion and throw yourself into it. At least, that’s my current interpretation.

Snaps below from the Faire: One of my friends who ran into someone dressed as John Snow. Too perfect.

Day 17 - Isolating An Internal Struggle

Today was a day I had been looking forward to for months: I was asked (and I can’t believe this is a real sentence I am typing) to walk in a runway show for charity. Let’s be clear, a model I am certainly not, but when one of my friends asked if I could walk for the store he works at, I gladly said yes.

Now that it’s all said and done, I have a lot of mixed emotions.

I didn’t tell a lot of people I was doing this. In a way, because I’m older, I was kind of embarrassed, even though I was supremely honored and flattered to be asked at the same time. I told my mom, of course, who was there, but aside from her and a few close friends, no one knew.

I wasn’t nervous, even when I was up there walking. If anything, I had a friggin blast, all through rehearsals and waiting around to go on stage. The other girls walking for the store were super nice and fun to talk to. I was also asked to stand on this super tall pedestal in the lobby where folks were milling around to model the dress. I stood there like a mannequin for what could have been 5 minutes or what could have been one year, time sort of slipped away, but I felt amazing. There I was, representing a store. I was ecstatic.

Then, when it was all over, and the other models were meeting their friends, I started crashing. In my head, I thought the other girls and I would all go together to a certain bar afterwards, but after I changed out of my dress, I couldn’t find them. I then tried to meet up with them, but I stood around for so long by myself that I started to feel self-conscious, so I ended up leaving and just coming home. It sounds silly to say, but I felt, well, silly. And then when I got home and watched a video of myself walking, all I could do was cringe. I looked so stiff, I should have smiled more, I swung my arms too much, etc., etc., etc. I’m up typing this at 5 in the morning because I can’t sleep, because all I can think about is how I should have practice before a video camera and how I could have improved.

Why do I do this to myself? After so much build up and so much looking forward to this event, after having a really good time, all I can do is tear myself down. All I can do is look at myself and say, not good enough. Why can’t I focus on the good, and the fact alone that I got to have this privilege? I honestly don’t know.

In a way, I didn’t even want to share this experience here, because … well, I don’t know why. Because I don’t want it to look like a cry for attention. Because I’m not looking for sympathy, or praise. I guess what I’m trying to do is unravel this knot of emotions I have, and try to isolate the internal conflict I have about myself and my self worth. Maybe these mixed emotions belie a lack of self-confidence, which admittedly I have always struggled with. I feel more comfortable hiding behind a costume or a mask than I do being myself. Which, to be fair, is something that I think a lot of people feel. My biggest question is, why can’t I ride the high of being supremely happy? Why do I have to find reasons to be unhappy?

Which brings me back to this project. This is the description I typed above:

I’ve had a couple of very tough months, and I want to focus on bettering myself and showing some self care. I will focus on organizing the space around me, organizing my schedule, and giving myself encouragement rather than focusing on the negative.

When I focus on myself, I naturally gravitate toward the negative, even in the face of a great accomplishment. I have to practice being kind to myself and reminding myself of all of the great things I have accomplished. I have to remind myself to be grateful. Life is too short to constantly beat myself up, and yet I do it over and over.

I think, then, that the core of this project, which will certainly be ongoing beyond the 30 days, is to try and find that self worth again (assuming I ever had it), to try and make my core emotions stronger. And maybe that just takes practice and training. I train hard to run well, I trained hard for my job. Most things take training and practice, and this is another one of those things. If I want to better myself, I have to keep practicing at being kind to myself and building myself up.

So, on that note, let’s end on some positives:

• I got in a workout in the morning
• I got to take the day off from work to do something new and exciting
• I got to walk in a runway show
• I met some nice, cool people
• I was in bed by 10 (lol)

Day 16

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?! WHY! Even when I go to bed early, I cannot force myself up in the mornings, particularly to get up early. I just, I don’t know. Do I keep trying? Do I give up? Aside from someone else physically being here to make me get out of bed, which is certainly not happening, I don’t know what to do. I set multiple alarms. When I’m in that sleepy state, anything seems like a good excuse to stay in bed. Ugh.

Anyway, besides obviously NOT waking up early, today was pretty productive:

• Didn’t bill 6 hours, but started on a project I had let linger for a while, and it felt really good to get the ball rolling on that. I also got lots of pleadings filed in a couple of pending cases. And I met with a group of folks from work to prep for a big interview we have next week for a potential new client. Fingers crossed on that. I’m honored to be chosen to be part of the team.
• Went to a sports massage therapist for the first time FINALLY after my coach has been telling me to go to her for like, years. Or A year. She was amazing, and I almost fell asleep. I felt EXHAUSTED afterwards, too, but I think this will be a good thing to incorporate into my training. One thing I am bad about doing is taking time to do things for me. I’m always so focused on clients and other people, that I lose time and don’t do things for myself. This is why I want to try and focus on self care during this project, and try to make myself do something for myself at least once a week. Finally scheduling and going to a massage is a step in focusing more on self care.
• Had a decent post-massage run. I wasn’t really sore, but my legs felt very tired. Nevertheless, I got out there and tried. I didn’t quite hit my workout, but I did a lot better than expected. (I had intended to run in the morning pre-massage, but, ya know, I can’t get my lazy butt up.)
• Picked up a bit around the apartment, cleaned out my car a bit, and got to talk to my mom on the phone.
• Was in bed by 10 last night, and will likely be in bed by 10 tonight.
• Scheduled my car’s maintenance (finally).

Tomorrow is a pretty big day. Again, no spoilers! I’m both nervous and excited. Day 17 update will likely be belated.

In other somewhat somber news, one of my good friends is sick, and that makes me sad, because I really care about this person. He’s one of those people who is alway so selfless and kind, and to hear him be in pain just breaks my heart. I’d do just about anything to help, but we live states away, and it’s not feasible for me to leave to go and help him (as much as I would want to). And honestly, I’d probably just get in the way, but when you care about someone, it’s hard not to be there for them when they aren’t feeling well. So please, send good healing vibes to my friend Jon.

Day 15 - Halfway

Overall, today was a really great, productive, and positive day. As I type this, it is around 8pm in the evening, and I’m feeling a little blue, but I think part of it is that I’m just kinda tired.

Good things that happened today:

• Billed over 6 hours
• Got to run with one of my friends
• Got to go out to dinner with one of my friends
• I’ve been asked to be part of a really cool project. I’ll post more details on Sunday, no spoilers!
• I’ve started to feel more engaged with work, probably the most engaged I’ve felt since the breakup in late August. This is a super excellent development, because I’ve really been struggling to find motivation and to move past a general feeling of apathy towards work (even though I have a shit ton to do).
• In general, and overall, I find that I am in a happier, lighter mood. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel down sometimes (like literally right now), but overall, I just feel lighter and freer.
• I was able to reflect on the past 15 days and to internalize some of the every day observations I’ve been making. Or, rather, to condense them into more concrete observations about myself.
• I realized that nothing makes me quite as happy as crafting, cosplay, and dressing up in costumes. I should focus on this for the very reason that it makes me happy. There’s nothing quite like the thrill of putting on a banger costume.

To improve:

• Slept in today, but, ya know, it’s ok.
• Didn’t get around to 30 minutes of cleaning.

The friend I ran with and met for dinner is going through the end of a marriage, and he is one of the people who helped talk me through my breakup. It’s kind of weird in a spooky way that now the roles are reversed, and I’m sitting here telling him that things will get better, just as people told me they would (him included), even though I didn’t believe them at the time. Some of the things we talked about reminded me of N, my ex, and my thoughts lingered on N enough to make me kind of miss him, and to relive some of my deep hurt. It’s hard to articulate, but in a way it brought a sad, heavy energy to me at the end of what was otherwise a pretty positive and productive day.

This is when I remind myself that I’m human, that it’s ok to be scared or sad sometimes. And this is exactly why I remind myself of the positives. I had a really strong run with a good friend. I got to eat at a dumpling place I used to frequent all the time but haven’t been to in months. I got to run on a gorgeous November afternoon. I’ve got a job and career that keeps me pressing forward and keeps me motivated. And my job is to help people, which I find so rewarding.

Even when I’m down, I try to think about the reasons that make me smile. Which is not to say I’m trying to avoid grief, or that being sad isn’t an option, but, I don’t want to linger there, I want to keep my eyes looking upward and forward, rather than dwelling on the negative. Hence, this project in general.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I’m already so tired that I think I’m gonna call it an early night, read a book I’ve been neglecting, and get up early to crank out a run. This weekend is shaping up to be pretty busy too, but in a fun way, and I’m looking forward to sharing everything with y’all.

Halfway Reflections

I’ve been thinking about this DK30 project, what it all means, and how I can learn from it. We are halfway through now, and there are a handful of things that I can glean from my experience/journaling so far (I’m also adding this to the project header above):

• I’m only going to go to bed early and get up early if I have a reason for both. For instance, meeting a friend for a run. If I can make this a daily process, at least during the weekdays, then I stand a MUCH better chance of actually getting my butt out of bed.
• Getting up early and running makes me feel great the rest of the day. I hate getting up early, but once I DO get up and get going, it really sets a positive tone for the rest of the day. It also helps with billing a full day’s worth of hours.
• I’ve been neglecting getting my work files in order, and setting down a list of things that need to get done. I’ve got a short list, but there are older projects that I need to wrap up.
• I’m walking a fine line between being too hard on myself, and giving myself too many excuses. It’s difficult to know where I fall on either side. I want to be kind to myself, but I also want to push myself.
• Finding even 30 minutes to clean every day is HARD.

Edit: I seem to be forgetting about the self care portion of this project, so I’m going to try and set time aside for that as well. It could be as simple as letting myself game a bit one evening, or taking time to read a book. The hardest part about this is NOT beating myself up about giving myself a break.

Day 14 [belated]

Lots of good things happened today:

• Was in bed the night before by 10:15 (not quite 10, but close)
• Got up early and ran 6 miles with a friend
• Billed 6.5 hours
• Played a bit of WoW with friends (who talked me into playing, and omg do I have A LOT to learn)

It had been a while since I was able to force myself up early in the morning to run, and I forgot just how good to feels to have that accomplished in the morning. Plus I feel like I have SO MUCH free time in the afternoon.

Things to focus on:

• Cleaning. Didn’t get my 30 minutes in
• Bed time. I’m writing this on what is technically Day 15, and I had a hard time falling asleep last night. What I need to do is start shutting everything earlier. Admittedly, I got pulled into a WoW game when I knew I should be off the computer.

Day 13: Happy Halloween!

Today was a pretty productive day. I knocked a bunch of things off the list AND am going to bed EARLY! Spooky, right?

To improve:

• Didn’t quite bill 6 hours (but was over 5, and I had clients come in to sign their estate plan documents)
• Slept a lil late (but I also could NOT fall asleep last night, and admittedly stayed up too late)

Now, the good things!

• Got my run in.
• Went to the gym in the first time in months. MONTHS. AND did my full workout, not an abbreviated, I-don’t-really-want-to-do-this, half-ass effort.
• My mental state is very much improved. I felt generally positive today and didn’t find myself too down in the dumps. Walking around the apartment and seeing where I made substantial improvements yesterday really helps to bring up my mood, and inspires me to keep at it.
• Cleaned up around the apartment for 30 minutes. Mostly cursory stuff, but it’s better than nothing.
• Signed up for a half marathon in a few weeks. One of my good friends is going to run a marathon at the same event and try to break 3 hours. I’m going to pace him for the first half, and also cheer him on. He’s totally got it!
• Dressed up the doggos in their Halloween costumes. Look at these cute babies:

Tomorrow the plan is to get up early and meet said friend for a run, then have a full day of work, then have the afternoon to do whatever I want! I mean, to clean! I might go to the LGS to play Pioneer, but that always gets out pretty late, and I’ve still got the SAME deck as the past two times, so, unsure face.

All in all, though, I’m feeling pretty good about things, about life, about work, and about the future, and it feels good to feel good. :)

Day 12: Progress

I spent most of the day today cleaning up around the apartment. I started with the balcony, which is small and easy to tackle, and knocked out all items for that first. I then moved onto the kitchen and focused on cleaning the counters and the oven, and on getting things organized. I also ran a few loads of laundry and threw away A LOT of trash and unneeded or unwanted items. Even though I didn’t cross a ton of items off my list above, I feel like I accomplished a lot, and a few spaces feel a lot better. I took a break to run a few errands and play some Arena (including getting 7 wins with a draft deck), and may spend the rest of the evening sorting cards or framing art in the game room/office while watching TV or Mostly Walking episodes.

This week is going to be a really busy one, so I’m going to try and focus on sticking to a sleep schedule. I also need to be better about my hours going into the new month (and I need to catch up on things), so I’m going to also try to get my minimum 6 hours per day in.

Other positives that happened today:

• Took the dogs (and myself) on a nice long walk
• Found an earring I thought I had lost

EDIT: After posting the above update and eating dinner, I got hit pretty hard by some general feel-bad, sad vibes. I went to Day9’s YouTube channel, and saw the Day[9] Reacts to Day[9]'s Amnesia Playthrough Video, and I gotta say, that had me cry-laughing so hard that I cheered right up. Thanks Day[9]!

EDIT 2: did not go to bed by 10, but I did finally finish sorting my DMU cards, and I hung a couple of pieces of art on the walls, and got to talk to one of my good friends on the phone.

Day 11: A great day!

Y’all! Today was such a great day!

This morning I ran a 20k (approx 12+ miles) local race that is part of a series of races called the Grand Prix. I haven’t run any Grand Prix races since before COVID, and although I ran a marathon about a month ago, I didn’t know what my fitness level was. I had no expectations going into the race, and just showed up to have a good time. I friggin crushed it. Second female behind a woman who ran in college and runs 3 hour marathons (i.e., she’s super fast), so it was kind of like getting first, and honestly, I took it easy most of the race. I only pushed in the last couple of miles because I started to see third place female closing in, and I wanted to hold second. The best part, though, was hanging out with so many friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. I feel like I’m “back” as far as running goes, after a year of building back up, and I’m really excited to see what 2023 brings.

Other great things today:

• Did a bit of work after the race and got close to 30 billable hours for the week (which would have happened if I had hit my 6 hours per day, so this is good)
• Met a friend from my old job for drinks and had a great time catching up and talking about nerdy things
• Played some MTG Arena and drafted a stupid fun deck
• Felt the happiest I’ve felt in a looooooong time

Tomorrow is cleaning day. Not sure where I’m going to start, but I’m looking forward to making some progress.

I guess it just goes to show you, days are up and down, but savor the good ones.

Day 10 and Week 1ish Review

Today was one of those blah days where I feel like I’m not making progress at anything. I slept late, didn’t bill a full day, and was just sort of lacking in motivation in general. I did a few little things around the apartment, but it feels like I’m just treading water at all my goals. I’m trying super hard not to be so hard on myself, but it definitely feels like I’ll never make progress in anything, ever.

So let’s focus on some positives, and not even list the things that I think need improving, because that list would be quite long:

• Met my running coach for lunch and we had a good time visiting and planning out 2023.
• I put away a few clothes, did the dishes, and got my things together for a race tomorrow
• I’m having a nice chill evening at home
• I made myself a nice dinner
• I’m racing tomorrow!
• My buddies convinced me to play WoW, which I’ve never played, and they are looking forward to helping me learn how to play
• I have some sweet doggos

Next week, I’m going to try and get a structure/schedule down better. One thing I discussed with my running coach is getting up in the mornings to work out and strength train. I’ve been so bad about (1) sleeping in and (2) not strength training, that this plan may help me take care of both.

I was also pretty nonchalant about bed times and waking up times. If I can try to stick to a schedule on those, that may help everything else come together.

This weekend after my race I plan on doing a little bit of work, straightening up the apartment, and then having dinner with a friend.

Day [9]

Delayed update here, and it’s pretty short. Last night I got the chance to play some Commander with some new friends, and I was up wayyyy past my bedtime. Even though I collect the precon decks, I’ve never played Commander (other than that one draft that one time, lol) so I didn’t really know what I was doing and brought the Necron Dynasties precon to play. It was fun, but a little clunky against some pretty competitive decks that these folks had. But it was still fun and I got out of the apartment and did something new with some new friends.

Speaking of friends, quick plug for my friend Jeremy Clark. Y’all should check out his work.

Positives:

• Out of bed by 7:30
• Got to play Commander
• Hung out with some new friends

DAY 8: Reflections on Loss (and affirmations)

Late last night, I found out that one of my running friends died of pancreatic cancer. We weren’t close friends, but he was one of those people who always made you smile, who was always smiling, and who was at EVERY race. Even if he wasn’t running, he was there supporting everyone he knew. In short, he was a fixture. His name was Dan.

Seeing that Dan had passed made me reflect on the preciousness of life, and just how short it really is. It made me realize that I need to maximize the time I have, and that I should be happy for what I have. Yeah, maybe I have a lot of debt, maybe I can’t afford a house, maybe there are all these other things that are tough, but I have soooo many other things going for me. I have a great job and career that allows me to pursue my interests, like MTG and cosplay. And those interests are what make me happy. Why not lean into those interests? Why not keep crafting? Why not stream a casual MTG Arena game?

And it also made me realize, it doesn’t matter what other people think about you, so long as YOU are happy. And you know what? I realized that I’m actually pretty happy. Despite losing someone who I thought was my life partner, I realized I was actually UNhappy the last few months we were together, especially during the times when we were apart (which was most of the time, as we were doing the long distance thing). And now that I am solely focusing on myself and what it takes to make me happy, I am thriving. I have opened myself up to the flow and energy of the universe, and am allowing myself to take advantage of opportunities that present itself, and it is starting to pay off. For instance, at Arkansas Comic Con a few months ago, I struck up a conversation with a comic book inker and his gf/partner who I had met before at my LGS playing an MTG prerelease. She said they are looking for players for Commander nights, and I gave her my number. Just today, she texted me about playing Commander tomorrow night, and I am so stoked about it. (Sidebar: I have the Warhammer Commander decks and am totally playing one of them.) I took myself to Comic Con to distract myself from my loss and to have a good time. While there, I met a new friend, and now I will be spending some quality fun time with new people. How great is that?

I want to continue on this path I have started down. For years and years, I tried to be who I thought I was supposed to be, but it left me unfulfilled. Maybe I’ve lost some time when I wasn’t being truly authentic, but if that time got me to where I am now, which is realizing what I truly love, and focusing my time on what I love, which, in turn, makes me more authentic, then that time was a learning experience and a stepping stone, and I am also grateful for that.

Affirmations/accomplishments:

• I am my own agent and in control of my own life, and the life I am starting to craft is pretty sweet.
• My career is fabulous and I love my job.
• I billed 8 hours today (EIGHT!)
• I got the rest of my bills out
• I canceled a happy hour that I REALLY didn’t want to go to (and dang, good thing I did with all the work I had stacked up)
• I have plans to play Commander with new friends tomorrow
• Got my run in
• DK30 has introduced me to a fabulous and supportive community, for which I am very thankful

Things I’m still working on:

• Waking up before 8 (I was out of bed at 8:09 today, close)
• Going to bed at 10 (I stopped working at 9:30 tonight, so there’s that)

Query: maybe the new/real me wakes up late and stays up late?

I’ve also already started thinking about my costume for next year’s Festival of Darkness, and it’s going to be great, and I may even start on it this weekend.

Day 7

Accomplishments:

• Moved cactus to the front
• Ran a load of laundry
• Hung a new painting in the bedroom
• Folded and put away a lot of clothes hanging out in a pile
• Unloaded the dishwasher
• Took out the trash
• Woke up before 8 (sadly, this is huge for me)

Still need to work on:

• Billing 6 hours. Got close, but not quite there.
• Going to bed by 10. Yesterday was tough, I’m gonna cut myself some slack on this one. I gamed a bit and then talked to a friend for a while, and that made me feel very relaxed after everything, so it was worth it.
• Being nice to myself.

Things I am thankful for:

• My friends
• My family (and my dad being ok after a surgery complication)
• My job/career, and my colleagues
• My health
• My dogs
• My apartment, even though it’s a mess, because it’s mine

Day 6 Accomplishments (Despite Struggles)

First things first: today was a doozy. Not just a regular Monday, but a MONDAY. And just A DAY. I won’t/can’t go into details, but let’s just say it was some heavy shit. I’m fine, my family is fine, but, just, like, heavy shit.

That being said, today had some positives:

• Got my run in
• I GOT A STRENGTH WORKOUT IN. It was a bit abbreviated, but I DID IT. For the first time in MONTHS even though my coach has been putting it on my schedule for, like, months.
• Went to the grocery store
• Made a list of projects around the apartment
• Finally cleaned out the drain in the upstairs shower
• I have some really good friends who are always there for me

Things to continue working on, slash things that didn’t go as planned, but I can still improve:

• Getting up at a reasonable hour. I just flat out couldn’t fall asleep last night. Hopefully “mandating” a bed time will help (which is in quotes because, honestly, when have I ever stuck to a bed time?)
• Billing 6 hours - only got 4.5 with everything that happened today, but I have the weekend/the rest of the week to make it up.

day 5

Finally a quiet, lazy day. Today’s positive: I got to take a day off and rest.

Goals this week:

• Bill 6 hours minimum per day
• Get the rest of my bills out the door
• Don’t miss a training day
• Start cleaning up around the apartment and outline goals

Delayed Day 4 Accomplishments

Didn’t get a chance to get online last night, so here’s a belated list of accomplishments from day 4:

• Went on a nice run with a friend
• My costume for the Festival of Darkness came together, and it was sick
• One of the wings broke a few hours into the event. This is a positive because (1) I learned what the issue was and (2) learned how to make a better back plate/connection in the future. I can also fix them and make them stronger.
• I had a lot of fun and made some new friends

Final costume:

Day 3 Accomplishments

Good things that happened today!

• Picked up a new client
• Got most of my bills out the door (worst part of the job, billing)
• Went on a nice run
• Sorted some laundry
• Started documenting rooms for improvement
• Got my costume and makeup together for tomorrow’s festival

Day 2: Struggles and Affirmation

Struggles: Ho boy, this day didn’t start like it was supposed to. Short version: was supposed to get up early and run with friends, friends bailed, and I slept in. Not the WORST thing ever, but, getting up “early” slash at a decent hour has been one of my big struggles for the past couple of months. For whatever reason, I just can’t force myself out of bed, and I hit that snooze button 10 million times, or I give myself “just 30 more minutes” more than once. Le sigh.

Affirmation. This is one of those days where it’s tough to think of something good. BUT! I did find an accountabilibuddy and have corresponded with them on our projects, how we can help each other, and our goals. Which is fabulous, because I’ve never used one before, and already I am looking forward to sharing our progress with each other.

Day 1 Affirmation

My last project involved working on my zombie costume for the Lost 40 Festival of Darkness. This year I am IN the dang thing, so I tried to step it up a notch. This year’s sub-theme is birds, and part of my costume involves creating wings out of foam sheets. I’ve never made cosplay wings before, so this was definitely a learning process. They aren’t perfect, and I made some mistakes, BUT, I made them! Look at these bad boys.

Today’s affirmation: I made cosplay wings, and they look badass.

Intro

I had a tough time deciding on a DK30 project, at least one I know I can accomplish. My last projects, while exciting, were a little too ambitious, or I never started and then never caught up, so they never really went anywhere. I wanted to pick a project that would provide improvement and encouragement without being too daunting or overwhelming.

I also wanted to pick a project that would help better myself. I don’t want to say “improve,” because that carries the connotation that something is wrong with me that needs improving, so I am using the term “organization,” because, honestly, I have A LOT of shit going on (mostly good shit) and I need to sit down and organize my life. I’m talking organizing my apartment, organizing my day, and also trying to organize my thoughts.

Right before Labor Day weekend, the person who I thought was my life partner suddenly broke up with me. For me, it came out of nowhere, and it was completely devastating. I feel like the month of September was completely lost in time, and I developed a number of bad habits in my effort to simply cope with my loss. Some of these include staying up too late, sleeping too late, and simply not caring for my body or the space around me. I kept asking myself, what did I do wrong to cause him to leave? Placing blame on myself was easier than feeling powerless as to his decision. Eventually, I came out of the deep, dark, piercing pain with a little more perspective, but I am still struggling. So, I want to focus on myself, doing things for myself that make me happy, and improving the space around me so that I can find more comfort and peace, rather than being stressed out by all the mess.

Goals during this project:

• Daily affirmations. Post something good that has happened during the day, or something that I like about myself. Remind myself of the good in my life rather than wallowing in my loss.
• Outline room projects. Go through each room of my apartment and make a bullet point list of the things I want to improve/organize. Spoiler alert: there’s a shit ton. Then pick one room per week to focus on.
• Try new or different activities, or dive deeper into an existing hobby. This includes going to my LGS to play Pioneer, or getting back into streaming MTG Arena or other games.
• Take myself out to dinner or a self date once a week. Get out and maybe meet new people. The last time I took myself out to dinner, I ran into a girl from high school who I hadn’t seen in DECADES, and met her wife, and we had a ball.

Setting goals like these makes it so I will have some feeling of accomplishment, but if I don’t get around to getting EVERYTHING done, that’s ok, because I have smaller bites that I can take along the way.

At the end of this project, I would like to look back and see not only an improvement (there’s that word after all) in my mental state and confidence, but also in the space around me, and how I interact with people.